Wednesday, 12 September 2012

"Jonty Fisher and his Terrific Testicles" or "The Moderately Uplifting Story of a Man with a Magic Future Predicting Ballbag"



Apologies that there haven't been any updates in a while. I was kidnapped by a confused paedophile giant who thought that everyone who was smaller than him was a child. As you can imagine, for a giant, this must be weird, he just wanted to shag everyone. He snatched me while I was leaving Greggs with a sausage roll, I was imprisoned in a cage made entirely from Mini Babybels with their cases still on and the little case-removal tab removed. I finally escaped by befriending a mouse who eventually ate a hole in the cage that was big enough for me to crawl through. It was a bit like The Green Mile but without the magic, electric chair, Tom Hanks and stinging pisses and with Greggs sausage rolls, paedophile giants and me instead. While I was imprisoned I had very little to do, so I wrote a short story. Here it is:


Once upon a time in a land far, far away, somewhere near Leeds, there lived a man named Jonty Fisher. Jonty wasn’t really a bad man, but unfortunately he was easily tempted, he thought a life of crime would bring him unbelievable riches. One day he was indulging in a spot of shoplifting and as he tucked the packet of Mini Cheddars under his jumper he was spotted by the local priest, Father Gilbert Facker. Father Facker hollered at him and Jonty bolted, a chase ensued, with Father Facker pursuing Jonty down the road and through a series of back gardens with them hurdling fences like you see in films. The Priest was a part time athlete though and even in his priestdressthing he managed to catch up with Jonty and just as they approached a garden pond, he attempted to apprehend him with a poorly timed rugby tackle. Unfortunately he only managed to grab Jontys trousers and pulled both his trousers and underpants right down. Jonty, with his undergarments round his ankles and his tackle dangling, stumbled to the ground and accidentally teabagged a small green frog, his bollocks adorning the frogs head like a hairy, wrinkled beret. In a magical moment, that would change Jonty’s life forever the frogs tongue darted out and flicked across Jonty’s balls. Unbeknown to Jonty the frog possessed magical powers and in that moment, via a froggy tongue to the testicles, Jonty was given a special gift. Unfortunately, at the same time Father Facker had hit his head on a rock and had fallen unconscious, face down in the pond, drowning next to a pack of soggy Mini Cheddars. Jonty, saddened by the loss of his Mini Cheddars but grateful that he hadn't been caught, ran off and went home, leaving Father Facker to die. 



When he got home, still wet from the pond incident, Jonty decided to have a shower. As soon as his soapy hand touched his testicles he had a strange vision. In the vision Postman Pat was killed by a lorry in the shape of a giant chess piece. As Pat died, his face was replaced by that of Father Facker, who turned to Jonty and said "Save the postie, you killed me so save the postie with your balls!" Jonty found this strange, as he'd never had visions before, but even stranger was that Jonty had recently ordered a new chess set from the internet and it was due to be delivered the very next morning. He woke up early the next morning and was wracked with guilt about leaving Father Facker for dead. He also had an enormous feeling of dread about his chess set getting delivered and knew he had to do something, although he wasn’t really sure what. The postman, Alan McGibble, always arrived at the same time, 8am, like clockwork, so at 7:55 Jonty went outside his house and decided to wait for him. At 8am, Alan appeared, cheerfully whistling the Chariots of Fire theme tune as he approached the road. Jonty glanced around the corner and saw a huge articulated lorry approaching at speed while Alan casually strolled toward the kerb. As Alan began to cross the road, Jonty instinctively broke into a sprint towards him, as he did this he heard a massive bang as a tyre on the lorry burst. The lorry went into a skid heading directly for Alan. Jonty carried on sprinting and launched into a spectacular dive pushing Alan out of the lorries path saving him from certain death.  Alan was hugely grateful, he shook Jonty's hand vigorously and gave him a tenner. This became the first in a series of good deeds that Jonty did as a result of his magic testicles. After a while he came to the realisation that whenever he had a vision as a result of some ball touching, it would provide him with some kind of insight into an event he would have to prevent. 
 

There were a number of bad things that Jonty prevented, he even apprehended a paedophile who was grooming a child on the monkey bars after offering them a whole packet of just black jelly babies (which to be fair was a good effort from the paedo, as who wouldn’t want a full bag of black jelly babies? I’d probably allow myself to be horrifically abused for a bag of black jelly babies). One of Jonty’s finest moments however, came when one day he reached his hand down his trousers and scratched what was a particularly itchy left ballbag. The vision that ensued was of an elderly man riding a black horse, carrying a bag full of money. The man was attacked by a crocodile with a sawn off shotgun who was wearing a rainbow coloured helmet. This was a bizarre vision and Jonty struggled to understand what it meant. Weeks passed and nothing happened until one day he was strolling down the high street and he passed his local Lloyds TSB, he glanced up and saw the black horse logo and he looked down and saw an elderly man entering the bank. He glanced over and saw two men stood next to a motorbike, one wearing a helmet and the other eating a bag of Skittles and sporting a lovely pair of crocodile shoes. Jonty realised that this was what he’d seen in his vision and something was about to happen. He saw the Skittles eating man pick up a holdall and stroll over to enter the bank straight after the elderly man. Jonty ran across and rugby tackled Mr Skittles to gasps from onlookers. As the man fell to the floor his holdall fell open and a sawn off shotgun dropped out. The police were called and the villains were arrested. Jonty received a standing ovation from the people in the bank and a terrible bank robbery was prevented. 


Jonty did a lot of good things and another fine moment came when he saved a baby. One day he was tucking himself into a particularly tight pair of trousers and he had a vision of Jesus juggling a zebra, a pint of beer and a baby, Jesus was mocking him, laughing and saying “I will drop two of these, only one can survive, keep the beer, the baby or the zebra alive”.  The following day Jonty was passing a church when he noticed a special parade going past which was celebrating a local shin kicking tradition. He thought the parade looked good so he stopped at the pub next door, ordered a pint and sat outside on a table with a view of the parade. He sat there watching the various floats pass and he noticed an attractive young lady sat opposite, slowly rocking a pram back and forth. After a few minutes a float came along which confused Jonty slightly. It featured two men, one dressed as Gary Lineker, one as Gary Coleman, both sat on top of horses painted to look like zebras. As the float passed, someone in the crowd let off a firework, as it banged one of the horses tossed Gary Coleman off and stampeded towards the lady with the baby. Jonty realised this was part of his vision, the baby couldn’t survive if his pint or the zebra-horse did, so he downed his pint, pulled the umbrella from the table and launched it, like a javelin, towards the zebra painted horse. It sailed through the air and took the zebra-horse out just as it was about to stampede the baby to death. Once again, Jonty saved the day.


Jonty became a local hero, he was almost like a superhero, although he could never really become a superhero as he’d just be some bloke in a fancy costume who’d had a wardrobe malfunction and had his magical balls hanging out. He never let on what his actual secret was, partly because he was a modest man and partly because he didn’t want to become known as the man with the bewitched psychic bollocks. He didn’t want to be known as Superbollocksman.


 


















Over time, each vision he had, he noticed a certain number was featured. The Postman came at 8:00, the same time that he apprehended the Halifax Breast Inspector, a conman who went door-to-door convincing women that he was an official breast inspector. He stopped the black jelly baby paedophile at 15:00, the same time he caught the Sandwich Board Rapist, an evil man who lured women into his lair with the promise of free meat products. He foiled the bank raid at 16:00, the same time he stopped the Gerbil Licker of Colchester, who was, as his name suggest, a dirty gerbil licker from Colchester.


When he realised each incident seemed to happen at a certain time, he noticed that there were six numbers that kept repeating. He considered playing these numbers on the lottery. He’d watched Lost though and thought that he was maybe like Hurley and the numbers were cursed. However he eventually plucked up the courage to play the numbers and he won, he got £4500000.53p, which isn’t a bad effort. He ended up living the dream, he married the attractive young lady whose child he saved from zebra death, the kid, who’s called Freddie, calls him Daddy, this worked out quite well for Jonty as he was a huge fan of Rainbow. They’ve also got another child on the way who is going to be called Jeffrey if it’s a boy, Jane if it’s a girl, and Zippy if it doesn’t turn out to be human.
To this day Jonty still gets the visions and despite being a millionaire he still helps everyone that he can when he sees something that he can prevent. A lot of the time people don’t even realise that Jonty has come to their rescue, so one day if you have a near miss, if you nearly die, it may well be that you’ve been saved by Jonty and his Terrific Testicles.