"Roadkill Top Trumps Part 1" or "Roadkill My Dead Animal Is Better Than Yours Part 1 (to avoid copyright issues)"

Welcome to Roadkill Top Trumps My Dead Animal Is Better Than Yours, a new series especially for you. I’m not really classing these as posts as such but just a little bit of something to fill in between the main posts, I really am giving you the gift that keeps on giving. This will be a cut out and keep collection of cards (or whatever you choose to print them on) for you to play with your friends. It’s kind of like one of those magazines where you buy one each month and each issue comes crammed with useless information and a part so you can eventually build a scale model of the Golden Gate Bridge. They’re usually in about 1 million parts and your crappy little model ends up costing more than the actual bridge cost to build. When I was little I collected a series like this and built a glow in the dark tarantula, I was halfway through a scorpion when I got bored of it. 

The beauty of this little treat is that it’s completely free. Unless you click on the little advert below the post in which case I might get a little bit of money but it doesn’t actually cost you any money. It’s like you’re buying them with someone else’s money. A bit like when your mum used to buy you Panini stickers, but with dead animals and not footballers. I once stole a bunch of stickers, including a Diego Maradona sticker, from someone in my class when I was at junior school, I’m such a bad man. The other boy was quite upset but to help relieve the guilt I just imagined that I’d found them growing on a tree. 

I saw the inspiration for this on my way back from the dentist. I’ve got a tiny dentist and she always tips the seat that far back your legs are above your head. When she’s finished your feet have gone numb and your head is purple. As I drove back I was stuck behind some old bloke doing 30mph on a 50mph stretch of road. I couldn’t overtake either and was just contemplating inventing a car that could jump when I spotted the badger lying at the side of the road. He was just lying there, slightly bigger than I imagined. He looked like he was asleep. Apart from the tyre marks and intestines hanging from his side.

Anyway, here's the card.