My next door neighbour is a mentalist. There were early
signs of his nutterness when I first cast eyes upon him with his crazy
dishevelled perm and terribly short shorts. He resembled a cross between an
insane Roger Daltry and Doc Brown from “Back To The Future”. However at this
point he smiled nicely and said "hello" leading us to believe that
his appearance was misleading and he was actually a normal bloke.
His first official
display of being a fully subscribed resident of the Land of Nutterdom was in
fact the evening I was celebrating my 30th birthday. I was having a party at
our humble abode and at around 7:30 a friend arrived in a taxi. The taxi driver
happened to pull onto Mad Neighbours drive, maybe he was confused about which
house he was going to, maybe he just wanted to turn around quickly, whatever
his reasons, he was just dropping someone off and he'd be gone in sixty seconds
(literally, not speeding round the streets in big souped up cars with Vin
Diesel).
As soon as the taxi appeared on his drive Mad Neighbour shot out of his
house shouting "Do you live here?" (Which seems a strange question to
me, surely if my friend did live there Mad Neighbour would probably have
spotted him coming out of the bathroom at some point). My friend replied
"No, I'm getting dropped off" at which point Mad Neighbour launched
into a repeated hollering of "fuck off" which he followed up with a
few well aimed kicks to the front of the taxi. It was quite a display of
kicking, I'd say Bruce Lee and maybe even Splinter, the esteemed Sensai of The
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles would be impressed.
At this point Taxi Man understandably got out to protect his
beloved taxi. This resulted in a bit of pushing and shoving, some rolling
around on the bonnet of the car and eventually some rolling around on the
floor. At this point, obviously sick of all the rolling about, Taxi Man decided
to remove his shoe and proceeded to hit Mad Neighbour with it. For the duration
of this I was stood watching, rather confused at what was unfolding. I'd never
seen anyone hit someone with a shoe before and it was a new experience. Nothing
can prepare you for the surprise of a man hitting another man with a shoe, it’s
a little bit confusing, kind of like when you first accidentally see a picture
of a shemale. The confusion of seeing a human being with both breasts and a
willy is very similar to how I felt as I watched the shoe pounding down upon Mad
Neighbours head.
After this rather bizarre shoe whacking another neighbour
appeared and not knowing what had happened he territorially took the side of
Mad Neighbour and asked Taxi Man to go. Taxi Man got back in his taxi at which
point Mad Neighbour kicked it a bit more. This resulted in Taxi Man reversing a
little bit and then driving forward and nearly running Mad Neighbour over. He
then reversed away shouting "You don't know who you're messing with. I've
got powerful friends!"
I can only assume he’s friends with Arnold Schwarzenegger,
Barack Obama and He-Man, I’ve been looking forward to these coming round to
sort Mad Neighbour out but they haven’t come yet. I understand that they’re
busy what with Al-Qaeda and Skeletor but I’m beginning to think Taxi Man might
have been lying. I’m actually quite disappointed by this as I’ve always admired
He-Man. As I was keeping an eye out for Arnie, Barack and He-Man I noticed that
Mad Neighbour did an incredible amount of washing, hanging things (mainly tight
shorts) out to dry almost every day, often leaving them out overnight in the
rain. He also spent a lot of time standing at the bottom of his drive looking
at the pebbles.
Aside from the little things like the pebble staring his
next major act of mentalism came a few months later when he randomly decided to
start hurling water around. A friend was on our balcony having a smoke when
suddenly there was a huge splash of water. Mad Neighbour had decided to throw a
bucket of water from his bedroom window. Luckily Mad Neighbour is a terrible
shot and the water merely soaked the balcony. My friend shouted up to ask him
what he was doing and there was no reply. A reply came a few seconds later in
the form of another bucket of water. At this point my friend came inside. For
the next twenty minutes or so we’d poke our heads out of the doors every so
often and as soon as we did a bucket of water came gushing down. This voided
the theory that he maybe just thought our balcony needed a wash. He must have
been running back to the bathroom and filling the buckets and then going back to
the window and watching out for us. It initially crossed my mind that it might
be wee, but we counted around nine buckets so unless he possesses superpowers
which mean he pees like a horse then I’m pretty sure it was just water.
He didn’t attempt to make any kind of communication with us,
he just hurled water. I’ve tried to think of possible reasons for this strange
behaviour, the two most likely are;
1) He had a small herd of miniature horses
trapped in his wardrobe and they were weeing on his collection of obscenely
tight shorts. To avoid the destruction of his shorts he caught the wee in
buckets and just threw it out of the nearest window.
2) In his bedroom he had a
life sized ice sculpture of Kriss Akabusi with its own self-contained coolant
system. Sadly the coolant system broke and Kriss was rapidly melting resulting
in Mad Neighbours frantic attempts to stop his bedroom from being flooded.
As
likely as these two scenarios are I actually think he did it simply because
he’s a complete nutter.
Please note that all names have been changed to protect the
identity of those involved, however the pictures are accurate so should you see
Mad Neighbour in the street cross over or something.
