Apologies that there haven't been any updates in a while. I
was kidnapped by a confused paedophile giant who thought that everyone who was
smaller than him was a child. As you can imagine, for a giant, this must be
weird, he just wanted to shag everyone. He snatched me while I was leaving
Greggs with a sausage roll, I was imprisoned in a cage made entirely from Mini
Babybels with their cases still on and the little case-removal tab removed. I
finally escaped by befriending a mouse who eventually ate a hole in the cage
that was big enough for me to crawl through. It was a bit like The Green Mile
but without the magic, electric chair, Tom Hanks and stinging pisses and with
Greggs sausage rolls, paedophile giants and me instead. While I was imprisoned
I had very little to do, so I wrote a short story. Here it is:
Once upon a time in a land far, far away, somewhere near
Leeds, there lived a man named Jonty Fisher. Jonty wasn’t really a bad man, but
unfortunately he was easily tempted, he thought a life of crime would bring him
unbelievable riches. One day he was indulging in a spot of shoplifting and as
he tucked the packet of Mini Cheddars under his jumper he was spotted by the
local priest, Father Gilbert Facker. Father Facker hollered at him and Jonty
bolted, a chase ensued, with Father Facker pursuing Jonty down the road and through
a series of back gardens with them hurdling fences like you see in films. The
Priest was a part time athlete though and even in his priestdressthing he
managed to catch up with Jonty and just as they approached a garden pond, he
attempted to apprehend him with a poorly timed rugby tackle. Unfortunately he
only managed to grab Jontys trousers and pulled both his trousers and
underpants right down. Jonty, with his undergarments round his ankles and his
tackle dangling, stumbled to the ground and accidentally teabagged a small
green frog, his bollocks adorning the frogs head like a hairy, wrinkled beret.
In a magical moment, that would change Jonty’s life forever the frogs tongue
darted out and flicked across Jonty’s balls. Unbeknown to Jonty the frog
possessed magical powers and in that moment, via a froggy tongue to the
testicles, Jonty was given a special gift. Unfortunately, at the same time
Father Facker had hit his head on a rock and had fallen unconscious, face down
in the pond, drowning next to a pack of soggy Mini Cheddars. Jonty, saddened by
the loss of his Mini Cheddars but grateful that he hadn't been caught, ran off
and went home, leaving Father Facker to die.
When he got home, still wet from the pond incident, Jonty
decided to have a shower. As soon as his soapy hand touched his testicles he
had a strange vision. In the vision Postman Pat was killed by a lorry in the
shape of a giant chess piece. As Pat died, his face was replaced by that of
Father Facker, who turned to Jonty and said "Save the postie, you killed
me so save the postie with your balls!" Jonty found this strange, as he'd
never had visions before, but even stranger was that Jonty had recently ordered
a new chess set from the internet and it was due to be delivered the very next
morning. He woke up early the next morning and was wracked with guilt about
leaving Father Facker for dead. He also had an enormous feeling of dread about
his chess set getting delivered and knew he had to do something, although he
wasn’t really sure what. The postman, Alan McGibble, always arrived at the same
time, 8am, like clockwork, so at 7:55 Jonty went outside his house and decided
to wait for him. At 8am, Alan appeared, cheerfully whistling the Chariots of
Fire theme tune as he approached the road. Jonty glanced around the corner and
saw a huge articulated lorry approaching at speed while Alan casually strolled
toward the kerb. As Alan began to cross the road, Jonty instinctively broke
into a sprint towards him, as he did this he heard a massive bang as a tyre on
the lorry burst. The lorry went into a skid heading directly for Alan. Jonty
carried on sprinting and launched into a spectacular dive pushing Alan out of the
lorries path saving him from certain death.
Alan was hugely grateful, he shook Jonty's hand vigorously and gave him a
tenner. This became the first in a series of good deeds that Jonty did as a
result of his magic testicles. After a while he came to the realisation that
whenever he had a vision as a result of some ball touching, it would provide
him with some kind of insight into an event he would have to prevent.
There were a number of bad things that Jonty prevented, he
even apprehended a paedophile who was grooming a child on the monkey bars after
offering them a whole packet of just black jelly babies (which to be fair was a
good effort from the paedo, as who wouldn’t want a full bag of black jelly
babies? I’d probably allow myself to be horrifically abused for a bag of black
jelly babies). One of Jonty’s finest moments however, came when one day he
reached his hand down his trousers and scratched what was a particularly itchy
left ballbag. The vision that ensued was of an elderly man riding a black horse,
carrying a bag full of money. The man was attacked by a crocodile with a sawn
off shotgun who was wearing a rainbow coloured helmet. This was a bizarre
vision and Jonty struggled to understand what it meant. Weeks passed and
nothing happened until one day he was strolling down the high street and he
passed his local Lloyds TSB, he glanced up and saw the black horse logo and he
looked down and saw an elderly man entering the bank. He glanced over and saw
two men stood next to a motorbike, one wearing a helmet and the other eating a
bag of Skittles and sporting a lovely pair of crocodile shoes. Jonty realised
that this was what he’d seen in his vision and something was about to happen. He
saw the Skittles eating man pick up a holdall and stroll over to enter the bank
straight after the elderly man. Jonty ran across and rugby tackled Mr Skittles to
gasps from onlookers. As the man fell to the floor his holdall fell open and a
sawn off shotgun dropped out. The police were called and the villains were
arrested. Jonty received a standing ovation from the people in the bank and a
terrible bank robbery was prevented.
Jonty did a lot of good things and another fine moment came
when he saved a baby. One day he was tucking himself into a particularly tight
pair of trousers and he had a vision of Jesus juggling a zebra, a pint of beer
and a baby, Jesus was mocking him, laughing and saying “I will drop two of
these, only one can survive, keep the beer, the baby or the zebra alive”. The following day Jonty was passing a church when
he noticed a special parade going past which was celebrating a local shin
kicking tradition. He thought the parade looked good so he stopped at the pub
next door, ordered a pint and sat outside on a table with a view of the parade.
He sat there watching the various floats pass and he noticed an attractive
young lady sat opposite, slowly rocking a pram back and forth. After a few
minutes a float came along which confused Jonty slightly. It featured two men,
one dressed as Gary Lineker, one as Gary Coleman, both sat on top of horses
painted to look like zebras. As the float passed, someone in the crowd let off
a firework, as it banged one of the horses tossed Gary Coleman off and
stampeded towards the lady with the baby. Jonty realised this was part of his
vision, the baby couldn’t survive if his pint or the zebra-horse did, so he
downed his pint, pulled the umbrella from the table and launched it, like a
javelin, towards the zebra painted horse. It sailed through the air and took
the zebra-horse out just as it was about to stampede the baby to death. Once
again, Jonty saved the day.
Jonty became a local hero, he was almost like a superhero,
although he could never really become a superhero as he’d just be some bloke in
a fancy costume who’d had a wardrobe malfunction and had his magical balls
hanging out. He never let on what his actual secret was, partly because he was
a modest man and partly because he didn’t want to become known as the man with
the bewitched psychic bollocks. He didn’t want to be known as Superbollocksman.
Over time, each vision he had, he noticed a certain number
was featured. The Postman came at 8:00, the same time that he apprehended the
Halifax Breast Inspector, a conman who went door-to-door convincing women that
he was an official breast inspector. He stopped the black jelly baby paedophile
at 15:00, the same time he caught the Sandwich Board Rapist, an evil man who
lured women into his lair with the promise of free meat products. He foiled the
bank raid at 16:00, the same time he stopped the Gerbil Licker of Colchester,
who was, as his name suggest, a dirty gerbil licker from Colchester.
When he realised each incident seemed to happen at a certain
time, he noticed that there were six numbers that kept repeating. He considered
playing these numbers on the lottery. He’d watched Lost though and thought that
he was maybe like Hurley and the numbers were cursed. However he eventually plucked
up the courage to play the numbers and he won, he got £4500000.53p, which isn’t
a bad effort. He ended up living the dream, he married the attractive young
lady whose child he saved from zebra death, the kid, who’s called Freddie, calls
him Daddy, this worked out quite well for Jonty as he was a huge fan of
Rainbow. They’ve also got another child on the way who is going to be called
Jeffrey if it’s a boy, Jane if it’s a girl, and Zippy if it doesn’t turn out to
be human.
To this day Jonty still gets the visions and despite being a
millionaire he still helps everyone that he can when he sees something that he
can prevent. A lot of the time people don’t even realise that Jonty has come to
their rescue, so one day if you have a near miss, if you nearly die, it may
well be that you’ve been saved by Jonty and his Terrific Testicles.
