"The 'How The Body Works' Book" or "How Robots Taught Me All About Sex"

When I was young my mum bought me this book called “How The Body Works”. It told you about all sorts of biology stuff and tried to make it all understandable to kids by using pictures. It had things such as nasty green looking germs, germs that were clearly incredibly evil, possibly even more so than The Thundercats arch nemesis Mumm-Ra. I think the germs affected me a little, not to the point of being totally OCD but to the point where I don’t like to take my socks off without washing my hands after, in case the dirty sock germs attack. The sock germs are definitely bad, but not as bad as the animal germs, I hate touching animals. It also had a friendly kidney named Kris and blood cells that were little people with pointy hats in boats. Looking back, the white blood cells actually looked like Ku Klux Klan members which is a bit weird and probably not that realistic. 

However, tucked away towards the rear of the book was the bit about reproduction which I think was my mums real motive for buying me the book. At Junior school we did sex education which pretty much consisted of watching some videos and sniggering at the willies and boobies, however we did get the general idea. Obviously though, the main thing that sex education at school lacked was robots. Robots clearly make for good sex education and on this basis the “How Your Body Works” book was the greatest educational tool in the world. It had four whole pages which basically had step by step diagrams of robots shagging. The boy robot had a weird, springy, coiled willy and the lady robot had an appropriately sized receptacle to house the robotic penis. 
The two robots were not named, which I think is a bit impersonal, in fact the book didn’t even say how the robots met, it just got straight down to the shagging. I didn’t really like this that much so I decided that the robots were definitely called Gary and Sue. Gary and Sue met at robot school, he liked her metallic sheen and pert bolts and she liked his rugged square shoulders and extreme strength. They had a long courtship where they did robot things together such as drilling and cricket. Once they realised that they loved each other they eventually decided to do the deed. This is where the book came in. 
They were pictured standing next to each other, Gary with his springy appendage dangling like an unwanted slinky, Sue gazing at him lovingly. They got closer and in the next picture their metallic lips locked in a loving embrace. At this point Gary became visibly excited, his spring stretching and become distinctly unslinky like. In the next picture Gary’s spring had managed to somehow become interlocked with Sue and a large heart appeared from both their antennae signalling their love. The culmination of this embrace was tiny robot tadpoles gushing from Gary’s spring like a pressure hose going off. These tadpoles disappeared inside Sue and turned into a tiny robot in her little square tummy. The little robot was probably called Steve and had Gary’s eyes and Sue’s rivets. 
I’m pretty sure they had a long romance and were very much in love. The only other alternative is that Gary was a plumber coming round to repair Sue’s boiler and they just ended up at it in the kitchen next to the washing machine. I think this would be a bit weird though as it would be like they were doing it with a distant relative watching. That, people, is how I learnt all about sex from robots. 

 

As you can see the book was very good when it came to robot sex, but the rest was a bit ropey and failed to explain two things.

Numero One: Why didn't it make it clear that there wasn't something in the human body called the "Handstring". I witnessed Liverpool and England international footballer John Barnes having injury problems and firmly believed that he was having "Handstring" problems. John Barnes often used to wear gloves whilst playing football so I assumed these were to help with his “Handstring” injury. Obviously there’s no such thing as “Handstrings” and John Barnes did in fact have problematic hamstrings. I definitely feel the book should have had a section explaining this.

Numero Two:  Something that actually baffles me to this day. Why do I seemingly defy the laws of age? As I approach the age of 31 I still appear a lot younger and appear immune to weight gain. Checkout ladies in Tesco in particular seem to think that I'm underage and when I show them my ID they recoil in shock. I sometimes wonder if I'm making up for those kids who have a weird, mad genetic disease which ages them rapidly and they look like they're 60 when they're 8 and have little shrivelled up heads. The book definitely failed to explain this. The robot sex probably still makes up for this though.