"Cheese Dreams" or "Talking Horses, Hippo Thieves and Gary Lineker Zombies"

People always say about cheese making you dream. I always thought this was a myth, similar to other cheese based myths such as the moon being made of cheese or that cheese is actually made from the bodies of tiny fish that live in milk. However, this isn’t the case, cheese dreams are definitely real. Cheese clearly contains a small psychedelic bug that is absorbed into the blood stream creating crazy dreams. The good thing about cheese dreams is that in the dream I often know that it’s a dream so if something bad is happening I can wake myself up. For example, should I find myself being bummed by a horse I can say to myself in the dream “This horse bumming is definitely a very bad thing, however, this is a dream and to avoid further horse based humiliation I should wake up” I will then wake up relieved that I haven’t actually been violated by a horse. However, I do normally allow the bad things to continue for a while because in the world of dreams bad things can very often turn good. For example the horse may actually be a psychic talking horse and in a moment of horsey passion he leans over and whispers the winning lottery numbers in your ear. That of course raises the question “would you allow yourself to be bummed by a psychic talking horse in exchange for the winning lottery numbers?” Obviously there are a number of factors to consider such as whether it’s a rollover or not and of course the make and model of horse. A shire horse would certainly be a very different experience to that of a Shetland pony. If I won the lottery I’d wear a top hat a lot, have a beer waiter and have carpets made from the softest substance known to man, bumble bee fur.

I enjoy having cheese before bed as the dreams are always pretty interesting. This is a selection of three weird cheese dreams.

          

      1) I was woken up (in the dream) by noises downstairs. I figured that it sounded like burglars so picked up a bit of wood that happened to be by the bed and headed downstairs to have a look. As I got down to the middle landing I witnessed two hippos carrying our TV down the stairs. These hippos were partially clothed and were walking on their hind legs and carrying the TV in their “arms”. I waved my wood at them and shouted and they dropped the tellybox which appeared to be rubber and bounced down the stairs. They then ran off, down the stairs, out of the door and down the road (possibly back to a zoo or hippo sanctuary). Obviously the moral of this is that if your house ever gets burgled by hippos all you need to do is wave a bit of wood at them and shout a bit.

           2) In a lot of my cheese dreams I can fly. Well, not really fly like superman but kind of bounce and float. As if I’ve got springy shoes (I like to call them boingy shoes) and then I sort of glide a bit before I have to land and bounce up again. In one particular bouncing dream I was being chased by a dog. Ever since I was little I’ve been scared of dogs. I’ve never liked any dogs apart from maybe my mums next door neighbour’s dog but that was too fat to do anything and just ignored you. It’s dead now, it had an enormous growth on it’s arse that nobody ever found out what it was and it died of that. I think technically it died of a fat arse. Anyway, whenever I dream about dogs they’re always nasty and vicious and chasing me. As this dog was chasing me I bounced in front of a dustbin lorry. I waited and jumped out of the way as the dog jumped at me watching the dog glide effortlessly into the back of the dustbin lorry. It was like I was a matador with a bull but without the bull and cape and with springy shoes, a bin lorry and a dog instead. I then activated the crushers and squashed the dog. As the dog was being squashed lots of doughnuts came out of the top of the lorry. I imagine people probably remembered this day for years to come as the day I defeated the evil dog and it rained doughnuts. I think the government should maybe consider inventing a dustbin lorry that turns rubbish into tasty doughnuts.

 

         3) In a lot of cheese dreams I kill things. This particular one I came home from work one day to hear a lot of noise coming from the loft. I went up to investigate, once more carrying a bit of wood (I seem to have a recurring theme of finding security and protection in a bit of wood) and it turned out to be bats. These weren’t just ordinary bats though, they were bats that looked like popular ex Spurs and England striker Gary Lineker. It was like some kind of mythological creature with the body of a bat and the head of Gary Lineker. The bats weren’t violent or anything, they were just very, very noisy. I was aware that bats are a protected species but wasn’t quite sure where the law stood on Gary Lineker bats so I wasn’t sure if I should kill them or not. I decided that Gary Lineker bats were probably more rare than normal bats so they would probably be protected. As I was trying to figure out what to do (I was considering trying to lure them out with Walkers crisps) the bats started to change into zombies, not just any zombies but Gary Lineker zombies. Clearly zombies aren’t a protected species and should be killed due to their nasty nature. Unfortunately my trusty wood seemed to have vanished and the only things nearby were pencils. I picked up the pencils and went on a zombie stabbing rampage. Whenever I dream about zombies I always stab them in the eyes. Obviously the moral of this is that if you ever find your loft full of Gary Lineker bats, fuck the Bat Conservation Trust and kill them before they turn into zombies.