"My Neighbour's a Mentalist" or "Taxi Kicking, Water Throwing and How I Felt a Little Bit Let Down By He-Man"

My next door neighbour is a mentalist. There were early signs of his nutterness when I first cast eyes upon him with his crazy dishevelled perm and terribly short shorts. He resembled a cross between an insane Roger Daltry and Doc Brown from “Back To The Future”. However at this point he smiled nicely and said "hello" leading us to believe that his appearance was misleading and he was actually a normal bloke.

  

 His first official display of being a fully subscribed resident of the Land of Nutterdom was in fact the evening I was celebrating my 30th birthday. I was having a party at our humble abode and at around 7:30 a friend arrived in a taxi. The taxi driver happened to pull onto Mad Neighbours drive, maybe he was confused about which house he was going to, maybe he just wanted to turn around quickly, whatever his reasons, he was just dropping someone off and he'd be gone in sixty seconds (literally, not speeding round the streets in big souped up cars with Vin Diesel). 

As soon as the taxi appeared on his drive Mad Neighbour shot out of his house shouting "Do you live here?" (Which seems a strange question to me, surely if my friend did live there Mad Neighbour would probably have spotted him coming out of the bathroom at some point). My friend replied "No, I'm getting dropped off" at which point Mad Neighbour launched into a repeated hollering of "fuck off" which he followed up with a few well aimed kicks to the front of the taxi. It was quite a display of kicking, I'd say Bruce Lee and maybe even Splinter, the esteemed Sensai of The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles would be impressed. 

 

At this point Taxi Man understandably got out to protect his beloved taxi. This resulted in a bit of pushing and shoving, some rolling around on the bonnet of the car and eventually some rolling around on the floor. At this point, obviously sick of all the rolling about, Taxi Man decided to remove his shoe and proceeded to hit Mad Neighbour with it. For the duration of this I was stood watching, rather confused at what was unfolding. I'd never seen anyone hit someone with a shoe before and it was a new experience. Nothing can prepare you for the surprise of a man hitting another man with a shoe, it’s a little bit confusing, kind of like when you first accidentally see a picture of a shemale. The confusion of seeing a human being with both breasts and a willy is very similar to how I felt as I watched the shoe pounding down upon Mad Neighbours head.

After this rather bizarre shoe whacking another neighbour appeared and not knowing what had happened he territorially took the side of Mad Neighbour and asked Taxi Man to go. Taxi Man got back in his taxi at which point Mad Neighbour kicked it a bit more. This resulted in Taxi Man reversing a little bit and then driving forward and nearly running Mad Neighbour over. He then reversed away shouting "You don't know who you're messing with. I've got powerful friends!"

I can only assume he’s friends with Arnold Schwarzenegger, Barack Obama and He-Man, I’ve been looking forward to these coming round to sort Mad Neighbour out but they haven’t come yet. I understand that they’re busy what with Al-Qaeda and Skeletor but I’m beginning to think Taxi Man might have been lying. I’m actually quite disappointed by this as I’ve always admired He-Man. As I was keeping an eye out for Arnie, Barack and He-Man I noticed that Mad Neighbour did an incredible amount of washing, hanging things (mainly tight shorts) out to dry almost every day, often leaving them out overnight in the rain. He also spent a lot of time standing at the bottom of his drive looking at the pebbles. 

Aside from the little things like the pebble staring his next major act of mentalism came a few months later when he randomly decided to start hurling water around. A friend was on our balcony having a smoke when suddenly there was a huge splash of water. Mad Neighbour had decided to throw a bucket of water from his bedroom window. Luckily Mad Neighbour is a terrible shot and the water merely soaked the balcony. My friend shouted up to ask him what he was doing and there was no reply. A reply came a few seconds later in the form of another bucket of water. At this point my friend came inside. For the next twenty minutes or so we’d poke our heads out of the doors every so often and as soon as we did a bucket of water came gushing down. This voided the theory that he maybe just thought our balcony needed a wash. He must have been running back to the bathroom and filling the buckets and then going back to the window and watching out for us. It initially crossed my mind that it might be wee, but we counted around nine buckets so unless he possesses superpowers which mean he pees like a horse then I’m pretty sure it was just water.

He didn’t attempt to make any kind of communication with us, he just hurled water. I’ve tried to think of possible reasons for this strange behaviour, the two most likely are; 

1) He had a small herd of miniature horses trapped in his wardrobe and they were weeing on his collection of obscenely tight shorts. To avoid the destruction of his shorts he caught the wee in buckets and just threw it out of the nearest window. 

2) In his bedroom he had a life sized ice sculpture of Kriss Akabusi with its own self-contained coolant system. Sadly the coolant system broke and Kriss was rapidly melting resulting in Mad Neighbours frantic attempts to stop his bedroom from being flooded. 

As likely as these two scenarios are I actually think he did it simply because he’s a complete nutter.

Please note that all names have been changed to protect the identity of those involved, however the pictures are accurate so should you see Mad Neighbour in the street cross over or something.