"The Bad Mumps" or "The Swollen Ball and The Auschwitz Retard Bus"

There's loads of diseases and illnesses that you typically get when you're a child and people always say if you get them as a child then you're laughing because you don't have to have it as an adult. I never had mumps as a child, I didn't ever think it would be a problem but nothing could prepare me for when I got it as an adult. Don't get me wrong, it could have been worse and it could have made my little swimming JC's dysfunctional. However, it was a bad experience. It first manifested when I woke up and had a hugely swollen neck. I did an amazing impression of either Marlon Brando in the Godfather, or just some big fat necked freak. I went to the doctors and was told I had mumps, rest for a while and all would be OK. 

The following weekend I had a weekend out in Manchester planned. By the Friday the swelling had gone down and I felt good. Myself and my mate JM headed off to Manchester for the weekend. We had a good time but on the final night I started to feel a bit rough. The following morning I got up and went for a wee, at which point I had a dramatic collapse onto the bathroom floor. I kind of stumbled into the wall, slithered down it, then the next thing I knew I was laying on the bathroom floor feeling sorry for myself. Looking back there are two theories about this, one, I was very ill and collapsed due to my illness ravaged body, two, I got up really quick and was dizzy and still a bit pissed and just fell over. To this day I still think I blacked out.  

 

Anyway, we headed to the train station and were told no trains were running. We were herded onto a dirty bus, I imagine if the trains to Auschwitz had stopped running and they'd been put on busses it'd have been very, very similar. The bus seemed to be full of the graduation party for the Retardville School of Chavs. Mid way through what was seeming like the longest journey anyone had ever been on a gentleman asked if there was a toilet on the bus. Upon being told there wasn't he proceeded down the steps to the emergency exit (which happened to be right in front of us) and pissed in his empty Stella can. All this while an elderly woman behind us sung "Songs that won the war". This was a definite low point, a man in a track suit pissing into a Stella can to the sound of a deranged geriatric singing Vera Lynn’s popular classic "The White Cliffs Of Dover". I thought it couldn't get worse than that but all the time my left testicle was gradually growing to the size of a melon. 

After enduring the bus journey I went to the emergency doctors and had my balls groped by a wrinkly old man. It was the return of the mumps. The bad mumps. The following day I phoned work and told them, apparently I told them too much information, they actually didn't want to know exactly how big my swollen ball was (it was big though). The whole experience was one that will live with me for a long time. I spent the following week off work, sitting on cushions and walking like someone who'd ridden too many horses. The good news however, is that I made a complete recovery and I'm not infertile. In fact, I had to wank into a pot and the jizz inspector said it was the best jizz he'd ever seen.